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Chicago  and  Alton  R.  R., 

CHICAGO. 


WE  ARE  WARRIORS  THREE. 


:m  ipprsby: 


on 


-«PRIRGG8S'S-ID^ 


#. 


By  D.  DALZIEL, 

Editor  of  the  Chicago  News  'letter. 


^c^M^— Interior  of  King  Alton  Hilderbrandt' s  Palace  in  the  City  of  Chicago, 
U.  S.  America.  Courtiers,  Officials  of  the  Service,  Soldiers  of 
the  Railroad,  Body  Guard,  Conductors  and  Passenger  Agents, 
looking  out  on  the  line  of  the  Chicago  and  Alton  Railroad  with 
telescopes,  opera  glasses,  etc. 

[chorus.] 

SEARCH  throughout  the  Panorama 
For  a  sign  of  Royal  Gama, 
-    Who  by  the  Alton  this  day  shall, 
Accompanied  by  his  child  and  pal, 
Come  from  Adamant. 

Some  misfortune  evidently 
Has  detained  them — consequently 
Search  throughout  the  Panorama 
For  the  daughter  of  King  Gama, 
Prince  Hilarion's  Plant. 

LORIAN — Will  Prince  Hilarion's  hopes  be  sadly  blighted  ? 


<gr  LL— Who  can  tell  ! 


A  FAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 
T'LORIAN— Will  Ida  slight  the  man  to  whom  she's  plighted? 
. — Who  can  tell  ! 


% 


T'LORIAN — Can  she  an  Alton  ruler  thus  irritate? 

2  LL— Who  can  tell  ! 

Xl'LORIAN — If  so,  she'll  pay  for  it  at  any  rate. 

LL —  We'll  not  despair, 

For  Gama  would  not  dare 
To  make  a  deadly  foe 
Of  Alton's  King,  and  so 

Search  throughout,  etc. 
{Enter  King  Alton  Hilderbrandt.) 

RILDERBRANDT— No  sign  of  Gama  yet  ?     The  regular  train  from  Castle 

*'     Adamant  came  m  exactly  on  time,  some  fifteen  minutes  since.     I  will 
here  in  parenthesis  remark,  that  all  trains  on  the  Alton  Road  invariably  do  come 
in  on  time.     I  saw  it  from  my  castle  window  ;  four  sleepers,  two  drawing-room 
cars,  a  dining  car,  three  reclining-chair  cars  and  five  coaches. 
T^LORIAN — Your  liege  forgets  that  you  placed  a  "  special  "  at  his  disposal, 

^       but  still  he  should  be  here. 

RILD. — 'Tis  true,  but  still  it's  very  odd.     But,  if  Gama  fails  to  put  in  an 

*  ^  appearance  at  the  Court  before  the  sun  sets,  accompanied  by  his  daughter, 
to  whom  our  son  was  betrothed  at  the  extreme  age  of  one,  then  there  will  be 
war  between  Gama  and  ourselves.  {Aside.)  I  dread  this  greeting.  When  last 
I  saw  Gama,  twenty  years  ago,  he  was  a  fretful,  twisted  monster,  with  a  tongue 
as  bitter  as  the  agents  of  our  rival  lines. 

T^LORIAN — (  Who  has  been  looking  attentively  dozen  the  track  imth  his  glasses.) 

*  But  stay  !  I  see  the  smoke  of  an  approaching  train.  I  even  hear  the 
music  of  its  wheels,  as  they  fly  like  magic  o'er  the  glittering  rails.  Already  it  is 
at  the  station.  From  a  private  car  I  see  somebody  ;  guards  descend,  and  now 
a  bent  and  crippled  form  of  human  shape.     It  ?nust  be  Gama. 

ILD. — And  is  the  Princess  with  him  ? 


B 


T^LORIAN — Not  unless  she's  six  foot  three,  and  wears  suspenders. 

RILD. — Who  can  tell  !  I've  heard  that  she  is  a  whimsical  sort  of  girl  But 
*^  come  !  Bustle  up  there.  Let  everything  be  prepared.  The  costliest  of 
dinners,  the  meanest  of  prison  fares  ;  the  richest  room  in  the  palace,  the  deepest 
dungeon,  too.  For  as  King  Gama  brings  his  daughter,  or  brings  her  not,  so 
shall  he  be  treated. 


HILARION  AND  HIS  FRIENDS. 


THE  CHICAGO 


ALTON  DEPOT. 


HILDERBRANDT  (furious):  ENOUGH  OF  THIS,  WHERE 
IS  YOUR  DAUGHTER? 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

{Enter  Prince    Hilarion,   Knight  of  the  Road,   Grand  Master  of  the    United 
Order  of  Chieago  and  A /ton  Railroad  Con  due  to  is,  and  an  exquisite.) 

RILARION — (Aside)  To-day  I  meet  my  baby  bride,  to  whom  I  was 
*'  betrothed  twenty  years  since.  I  have  every  confidence  that  my  own 
accomplishments,  and  the  influence  of  the  Hne  with  which  I  am  connected,  will 
sufifice  to  re-unite  our  bonds  to-day.  They  are  above  par  on  the  market.  {To 
Hild. )     Well,  father,  is  there  any  neAvs  ? 

RILD. — King  Gama  has  just  arrived,  and  is  now  on  his  way  here  from  our 
*^     depot  ;  but  I  fear  without  the  Princess. 

RILARION — Alas!  I  have  heard  strange  stories  of  my  bride.  They  tell 
^^  me  she  lias  foresworn  men — never  having  had  anything  to  do  with  them 
she  probably  does  not  know  what  she  loses.  But  they  say  she  has  shut  herself 
up  in  the  Castle  Adamant  accompanied  by  a  number  of  devotees.  It  is  strange, 
considering  that  she  lives  so  near  our  line  that  the  mere  proximity  of  our  Alton 
men  has  not  had  its  usual  influence  before  this. 


R 


{Enter  a  representative  of  the  Chicago  and  Alton  Railroad.) 

EP.  OF  C.  &  A.  R.  R. — My  liege,  I  beg  to  announce  the  coming  of  Kin^ 

Gama,  preceded  by  his  three  royal  sons. 
ILD. — Bid  them  enter. 

{Enter  Arac,  Guron  and  Synthius,  zvarriors  hold.) 
RAG— 

[song.] 

We  are  warriors  three. 
Men  of  worth  are  we. 
Just  arrived  by  steam, 
Strange  as  it  may  seem. 


V, 


LL  THREE- 


6 


URON- 


R 


LL  THREE- 


Yes  !  yes  ! 

Strange  as  it  may  seem. 

Special  train  we  had. 
Not  so  very  bad. 
Really  very  fine 
By  the  Alton  Line. 


Yes  !  yes  ! 

By  the  Alton  Line. 


n 


A  PAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

YNTHIUS— 

Dining-car  so  rich, 
Sleeping-car  like  which 
Nothing  can  compare 
Running  time  so  rare. 


LL  THREE- 


Yes  !  yes  ! 

Nothing  can  compare. 

<Tjf  RAC — My  liege,  we  beg  to  present  our  respects,  and  to  thank  you  for  our 
^^  pleasant  journey  on  your  line.  It  is  our  unpleasant  duty  also  to  announce 
the  coming  of  our  Royal  Father. 

{Enter  King  Gam  a.) 
AMA— 


G 


[song.] 

If  you  give  me  your  attention  I  will  tell  you  what  I  am, 
I'm  a  genuine  philanthrophist — all  other  kinds  are  sham. 
Each  little  fault  of  temper  and  each  social  defect 
In  my  erring  fellow  creatures  I  endeavor  to  correct. 
To  all  their  little  weaknesses  I  open  people's  eyes, 
And  little  plans  to  snub  the  self-sufficient  I  devise. 
I  love  my  fellow  creatures,  I  do  all  the  good  I  can, 
But  everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable  man. 
And  I  can't  think  why. 

For  all  who  do  me  favors  I've  a  withering  remark. 
And  as  for  beating  railroad  lines,  I  think  it  quite  a  lark, 
I  wheedle  out  free  passes,  and  I  call  the  road  a  sham, 
I  sell  them  to  the  scalpers,  that's  the  sort  of  man  I  am. 
I  put  rocks  upon  the  railroad  tracks,  and  try  to  wreck  the  train, 
Get  a  madman  hired  as  engineer,  and  swear  the  man  is  sane. 
I  spread  all  sorts  of  rumors,  and  have  all  the  fun  I  can. 
Yet !     Everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable  man. 
And  I  can't  think  why. 

When  I  get  into  a  sleeper  I  sit  up  half  the  night. 
And  try  to  make  the  ladies  think  that  everything's  not  right. 
I  cut  in  strips  the  cushions,  the  curtains  always  tear. 
And  pleasantly  suggest  aloud  :  "  They  are  the  worse  for  wear." 
I  go  into  the  smoking  car,  and  remark  I  never  smoke. 
And  when  the  weeds  are  all  put  out,  I  explain  it's  all  a  joke. 
You  see,  I  try  to  make  myself  as  pleasant  as  I  can. 
Yet  !     Everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable  man. 
And  I  can't  think  why. 


HILARION  CHECKS  HIS  BAGGAGE. 


ON  THE  DINING  CAR. 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

And  yet,  with  all  my  little  whims  I  really  must  decline 
To  say  a  single  word  against  the  fav'rite  Alton  Line. 
To  speak  in  praise  of  anything  goes  hard  against  the  grain, 
But  I  really  never  was  upon  such  a  perfect  train. 
I  had  dinner  in  a  dining  car,  which  every  want  could  fill, 
And  I  drank  my  health  quite  frequently,  and  did  n't  pay  my  bill. 
You  see  I  try  to  make  myself  as  pleasant  as  I  can, 
Yet  !    Everybody  says  I  'm  such  a  disagreeable  man, 
And  I  can  't  think  why. 

r^AMA — So  this  is  the  royal  castle  of  the  Chicago  and  Alton  Railroad  ?    Dame 
Rumor  whispered  that  the  place  was  on  a  par  with   everything  connected 
with  the  Alton  Line.     Superb  !  Royal  !  Grand  ! 

^ll.X).—{Gra(i_fted)     Oh  !     Sire. 

pAMA. — But  she  's  a  liar.     And  this  is  your  son  !     Dame  Rumor  also  said  he 
was  the  leader  of  fashions   among  the  Alton   employes,  but  he  's  changed. 
He  used  to  be  a  singularly  handsome  child. 

r^ILD. — {Furious.)     Enough  of  this.     Where  is  your  daughter,  whom  on  your 
^     plighted  word  should  be  here  to-day? 

/^AMA — She  would  not  be  tempted.  She  hates  railroad  travelling.  I  do  n't 
blame  her.  I  tried  to  explain  that  a  journey  on  the  Alton  was  a  delicious 
reverie  set  to  music  on  wheels,  but  she  was  obdurate.  She  's  in  Castle  Adamant 
foresworn  to  all  men,  surrounded  by  a  hundred  maidens  fair,  who  think  as 
she  does. 

CILD. — Surely  we  can  win  her  over  ? 

r^AMA — Not  you  !  She  and  her  companions  will  have  nothing  to  do  with 
anything  masculine.  One  young  lady  brought  a  mail  phaeton  with  her 
to  the  castle  and  she  was  expelled.  When  the  time  comes  for  the  fast  mail  for 
Kansas  City  over  your  line  to  pass,  the  young  ladies  shut  themselves  in  the 
basement  cellar.  Perhaps  the  never  failing  graces  of  your  Alton  men  may  win 
her. 

pRINCE  HILARION— Well  !  I  "11  try  {to  Cyril  ami  Florian),  and  you  shall 
accompany  me.  Come  quick  !  Your  satchel.  We  have  just  time  to 
catch  the  fast  train  for  Castle  Adamant,  and  we  will  see  whether  the  graces  of 
one  Alton  man  won't  change  the  tenor  of  these  young  ladies'  ideas.  Quick  ! 
secure  us  berths.     {Exit  officials}) 

r^ILD. — Yes  !    and  you.  King   Gama,  and    your  baby  boys  shall  remain  here 
^     as  hostages.     {Re-enter  officials.)     Sorry  to  say,  sir,  that   every  berth  in  the 
five  sleepers  is  taken.     Nothing  left  to  swing  a  duster  in. 


A  PARODY  ON  FRI ACCESS  IDA. 

"CILD. — Then  take  our  special  car  {exit  officials  to  give  orders),  and  now,  King 
'     Gama,  a  word  to  you.     If  aught  befall  the  flower  of  this  road,   look  out 
for  your  life.     Take  him  to  a  cell  and  give  him  one  of  our  time  tables  to  pass 
away  the  time.     {Exit  Gama  and  his  three  sons  in  chains}^ 

The  scene  changes  to  the  depot  of  the  Chicago  and  Alton  Railroad. 

With  the  prince  and  his  tiuo  friends  checking  their  baggage  and  then  to  the 
o-ardens  at  Castle  Adamant,  a  charmi?ig  retreat  on  the  line  of  the  Chicago  and 
Alton  Railroad.  In  the  distance  can  be  seen  the  steel  tracks  of  the  Chicago  and 
Alton  Railroad  glittering  in  the  noonday  sun.  The  air  is  calm  and  babny,  disturbed 
only  by  the  occasional  song  of  some  bird,  or  the  musical  hum  of  a  distant  train  on 
the  Alton  Line,  as  it  whizzes  with  light?iing  speed  along  the  track.  The  lady 
graduates  of  the  Princess  Ida's  seminary  are  on  the  scene,  seated  on  the  lawn  at 
the  feet  of  L.idy  Psyche. 

r  ADY    P. — Attention,   ladies,   while   I   read   to  you  the   list   of   punishments 

ordered  by  the  Princess  Ida.     The  first  is  Claire.     She  's  expelled. 
7J  LL— Expelled  ! 

r  ADY  P. — Yes,  expelled  !     Because,  although  she  knows  that  no  man  of  any 
kind  may  scale  these  walls,  she  brought  a  set  of  chessmen  here.     The  next 
is  May.     She  is  also  expelled  for  receiving  letters. 
fVVAY — They  were  from  my  mother  ! 

ADY    P. — It  matters  not,  they  came  by  mail.    The  next  is  Edith.    She  is  also 
expelled    for    being    found   with    a    Chicago    and    Alton   folder    in    her 
possession. 
POITH — What  harm  is  that  ? 

r  ADY    P  — A  young  lady  of  this  seminary  is  not  allowed  to  harbor  things  that 
fold-her.      The  next  is  Blanche.      She  is  also  expelled   for  looking  out  of 
her  window  when  the  Chicago  and  Alton  train  was  passing. 

LANCHE  —I  was  only  looking  out  for  the  sleepers,  they  are  so — 


L 


B 


r  ADY    P. — Enough  !     Looking  out  for  sleepers  is  not  a  square  game  to  play. 
Even  horrid  man   condemns  it.     And  now,  young  ladies,  prepare  your- 
selves, for  your   Princess  Ida  will  be  here  directly  to  read  you  the  lessons  of 
the  day. 

{Enter  the  Princess  Ida.) 

IDA — Women  of  Adamant,  gathered  together  for  the  noble  purpose  of  shun- 
ning that  vile  creature  known   as  man,  listen  while   I  a  tale  unfold.     Our 
undertaking  is  a  noble  one.     We,  women  assembled  as  we  are  in  this  retreat, 
know  full  well  the  uselessness  of  man.     Let  nothing  tempt  you  from  your  path 


PRINCESS  IDA  AND  HER  COMPANIONS. 


PRINCESS  IDA  AND  THE  ALTON  ANGELS. 


A  CHANGE  OF  COSTUME. 


THE  ALTON  MEN  ARE  APPRECIATED. 


A  PAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

of  sworn  duty,  and  yet !  methinks,  the  dangerous  proximity  of  that  horrid  Alton 
road  is  a  glittering  temptation  to  some  of  your  thoughtless  heads.  If  by  chance 
your  eyes  should  light  upon  one  of  the  creatures  they  call  their  officials,  let  not 
their  gaudy  tinsel  turn  your  giddy  brains.  It  is  true  that  they  dress  with 
exquisite  taste,  that  their  manners  are  those  which  Lord  Chesterfield  so  highly 
commended,  that  they  belong  to  the  only  railroad  corporation  in  the  world 
which  even  /  can  look  upon  with  feelings  akin  to  admiration.  It  is  true  also — 
this  fact  I  cannot  deny — that  the  equipment  of  the  Alton  Line  is  as  near  perfec- 
tion as  human  ingenuity  can  make  it.  That  their  train  service  is  perfect,  their 
cars  superb,  their  track  as  smooth  as  the  skin  on  my  face,  and  that  they  run  the 
only  through  train  worth  taking  between  Chicago  and  Kansas  City,  and  all 
points  West.  I  can  say  this  fearlessly.  Their  tracks  are  but  steel,  their  cars 
merely  wood  and  metal,  and  we  have  nothing  to  fear  from  wood  and  metal. 
But  beware  of  their  officials.  Do  not  be  deceived  into  thinking  that  because  a 
man  is  godlike  in  appearance,  he  is  anything  but  a  man  after  all.  With  all  their 
grace,  their  outward  charms  and  pleasing  manners,  these  creatures  would  win 
your  hearts,  and  wear  them  too,  with  all  the  assurance  with  which  one  of  us 
would  knock  the  top  off  an  egg  for  breakfast.  This  much  being  said,  I  beg  you 
to  follow  me  to  partake  in  the  usual  exercises  of  the  day. 
{Exit  Princess,  followed  by  the  ladies  of  the  seminary.      The  sound  of  an  engine 

whistle  is  heard.      Then  enter   Hilarion,  Cyril  and  Florian  at  back, 

creeping  cautiously!) 

TRIO. 

Gently,  gently. 
Evidently 
We  are  safe  so  far. 
The  Alton  Train, 
With  sweet  refrain. 

Brought  us,  here  we  are  ! 

Flying  lightly. 
Whizzing  sprightly, 

O'er  the  Alton  Track. 
We  expect  to 
All  invite  you 

When  we  journey  back. 
^^ILARION — Hush,    scoffer  !     Despite   the    advantages    of   our  remarkably 
'^     excellent  line,  it  is  proper  for  you  to  remember  that  you  can  't  work  off 
any  tickets  here  in  this  college  of  learning.     These  ladies  are  going  to  do  won- 
derful things,  I  am  told.     List  to  their  intentions  : 
They  intend  to  live  alone 

From  us  men  ;  from  us  men. 
Like  the  doggy  with  his  bone. 
Do  you  ken  ;  do  you  ken  ? 


lYRIL— 


A  PAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

Then  they're  greedy  with  their  graces, 

Selfish  girls  ;  selfish  girls. 
And  they  hide  their  pretty  faces 

And  their  curls,  and  their  curls. 
They  've  a  very  queer  intention 

It  is  sung,  it  is  sung  : 
To  resist  polite  attention 

From  the  young,  from  the  young. 

They  've  another  funny  notion, 
They  can  do  without  devotion 
From  an  Alton  man — what  notion — 
If  they  can,  if  they  can. 

These  are  the  Phenomena, 
That  every  pretty  Domina 
Hopes  that  we  shall  see 
At  the  Universitee. 


As  for  Railroads  they  are  ready 

To  admit  ;  to  admit 
That  their  employes  are  steady. 

And  they  sit,  and  they  sit 
A  dreaming  of  the  Alton  men 

At  their  best,  at  their  best  ; 
And  waiting  for  the  hour  when 

They  pass  West,  they  pass  West. 
But,  each  newly  made  aspirant 

To  the  clan,  to  the  clan, 
Must  repudiate  the  tyrant 

Known  as  man,  known  as  man. 

The  Alton  Road  Conductors 
They  regard  as  mere  seductors, 
And  they  're  going  to  do  without  them 
If  they  can,  if  they  can. 

These  are  the  Phenomena 
That  every  pretty  Domina 
Hopes  that  we  shall  see 
At  this  Universitee. 

^ILARION — And  so  here  we  are,  in  the  breast  of  the  citadel  Hallo  !  what's 
^^  this?  {^Examining  some  robes  left  by  the  female  graduates?^  Why!  Aca- 
demic robes,  robes  worn  no  doubt  by  some  of  the  undergraduates.     Here,  you 


HILARION  IN  CLOVER. 


I'M  A  PEPPERY  SORT  OF  A  KING. 


FREE  AS  A  TETHERED  ASS. 


OH!  DON'T  THE  DAY  SEEM  BLANK  AND  LONG. 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

fellows  !  Put  them  on.  (  They  do  so,  and  the  robes  reach  to  their  feet.  They 
look  as  any  well-regnlaied  Alton  man  looks  in  anything — extremely  fetching. 
They  burst  out  laughing.) 


B 


ILARION- 


n 


LL- 


•LORIAN- 


K 


HiLARiON,  Cyril,  Florian. 

I  am  a  maiden  coy  and  graceful, 
Stately  I,  with  a  face  divine, 
But  with  my  smiles  I'm  ever  faithful. 
True  to  the  men  of  the  Alton  Line. 

Haughty,  humble,  coy  and  free. 
Little  care  I  what  maid  may  be. 
So  that  a  maid  is  fair  to  see. 
Every  maid  is  the  maid  for  me. 

I  am  a  maiden  sweet  and  lusty, 
Dainty  and  pleasant  am  I  to  see, 
Timid  and  shy,  and  oh  !  so  trusty. 
An  Alton  man  is  the  man  for  me. 


LL- 


B 


Haughty,  humble,  coy  and  free. 
Little  care  I  what  maid  may  be, 
So  that  a  maid  is  fair  to  see, 
Every  maid  is  the  maid  for  me. 
ILARION — But  who  comes  here  ?     The  Princess,  as  I  live. 


/Tl  YRIL— What  is  to  be  done  ? 

^ILARION — Why,  brave  heart,  my  boy.  Remember  that  you  are  an  Alton 
"  man,  and  be  brave.  {Enter  Princess.)  He  bows  low.  Madam,  accept 
my  humblest  reverence. 

iRINCESS — Ladies,  you  are  welcome.  What  might  be  your  pleasure  with  me  ? 


P 


RILARION — {bowing.)     We  are  three  well-born  maidens,  ma'am  !  daughters 
"     of  those  who  run  the  Alton  line,  who  wish  to  join  the  University. 

PRINCESS — You  say  you  are  the  daughters  of  those  who  run  the  Alton  Line. 
Well  !  You  '11  find  no  comfort  here.  Your  bed  will  be  that  of  the  hum- 
blest. No  downy  mattress,  soft  pillows,  or  the  rock  of  a  Pullman  Palace  Car 
to  send  you  to  sleep.  Your  fare  will  be  plain  and  simple,  your  beverage  nature's 
stream.  No  dining-car  lunches  at  seventy-five  cents  a  meal,  which  ought  to  cost 
$2.00.  No  delicacies  out  of  season,  or  fine  wines  iced,  as  you  get  on  that  line. 
Your  service  must  be  done  by  yourselves.     No  obsequious  porters  will  brush 


A  PAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

your  boots  or  carry  about  your  bundle.  And  so,  if  you  think  well  of  this,  there 
are  here  one  hundred  maidens  fair  who  are  prepared  to  love  and  welcome  you. 
Will  you  try  to  give  the  fullness  of  your  love  to  them  ? 

LL — Indeed  we  will. 


R' 


'l^RINCKSS — Then  you  are  welcome. 

{Exit  Princess.      The  men  burst  out  laughing  and  do  a  bit  of  a  breakdown. 
Lady  Psyche  enters  back  and  looks  at  them  with  amazement. 

r*  ADY  P. — These  ladies  are  unseemly  in  their  mirth. 
T^'LORIAN — It 's  all  up,  Hilarion  !     Here  is  my  sister. 

ILARION — Then  make  a  virtue  of  necessity,  and  take  her  in  our  confidence. 


B 


FLORIAN — (  To  Lady   Psyche.)      Psyche  !    why  don't  you  know  me,    your 
brother,  Florian  ? 
PSYCHE — [Amazed.)    Florian.     {They  e7nbrace.)     What  are  you  doing  here  ? 
Oh,  dear  !     You  know  it  is  death  for  any  man  to  be  found  within  these 
walls.     How  did  you  get  here  ? 

FLORIAN — By  the  ever  reliable  Chicago  and  Alton  Railroad,  of  which  I  am 
a  humble  but  devoted  employe. 
PSYCHE— Oh,  dear  !  Then  you  are  an  Alton  man  {looking  at  him  ivith  admira- 
tion).    I  always  thought  you  would  be  something  great  some  day.     But 
who  are  these  ? 

^?  ILARION — I  am  Prince  Hilarion,  of  the  Alton  Line  also.    Your  early  play- 
^^     fellow,  and  the  betrothed  of  your  Princess. 

PSYCHE — I  might  have  known  you  were  an  Alton  man.     To  imitate  their 
bearing  is  impossible.     Listen  !  and  I  will  tell  you  the  history  of  a  man 
who  once  tried  to  rival  a  Chicago  and  Alton  man  : 

[song.] 

An  Alton  man  of  lineage  high 
Was  aped  by  a  rival  in  days  gone  by. 
The  man  was  radiant  as  the  sun, 
The  rival  was  an  unsightly  one. 

So  it  would  not  do, 

His  scheme  fell  through 
To  the  world  when  his  scheme  took  formal  shape  ;  , 

Expressed  such  terror 

At  his  monstrous  error 
That  he  stammered  his  apology  and  made  his  'scape, 
The  picture  of  a  disconcerted  ape. 


THERE  WAS  MY  PORTER  GRINNING. 


AN  ALTON  DART. 


IN  BATTLE  ARRAY. 


THE  FIGHT. 


A  PAROD  V  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

With  a  view  to  rise  in  the  Railway  scales, 
He  washed  his  collar  and  cut  his  nails. 
He  bought  a  uniform  and  made  it  shine, 
And  swore  that  he  belonged  to  the  Alton  Line. 

But  it  would  not  do, 

His  scheme  fell  through, 
For  the  Alton  man  was  beauty's  king. 

With  graceful  manners. 

Like  Lord  John  Manners, 
While  the  rival  lacked  the  metal  ring, 
And  always  remained  a  puny  thing. 

He  bought  white  ties  and  he  bought  new  boots. 
And  he  dressed  himself  in  bran-new  suits  ; 
Then  he  put  C.  &  A.  on  all  his  things, 
And  he  bought  a  pin  and  diamond  rings. 

But  it  would  not  do. 

His  scheme  fell  through. 
For  the  Alton  man  whom  the  rival  aped 

Was  a  radiant  being. 

Well  worth  seeing. 
While  the  rival  King,  however  shaped. 
At  best  was  an  Alton  man  ill-aped. 

{They  do  another  breakdown^  during  which  enter   Princess   at  back.     She 
looks  on  in  amazement^ 

^SYCHE— (Z^^Z'i-  at  her  terrified)     All  is  lost  ! 

FRINCESS — What  is  this?     It  seems  to  me  that  female  garb  become  you 
ladies  ill.      I  don't  think  I    ever  saw  a  gentlewoman   do  a  breakdown 
before. 

"T^ILARION — We  hope  to  become  young  ladies  soon. 

^RINCESS— But  are  not  now? 

^^ILARION — {Throws  off  his  robe,  and  then  throws  himself  at  the  feet  of  the 
*^  Princess  )  'Tis  useless  to  dissemble  farther.  We  are  merely  men.  I  am 
Prince  Hilarion,  your  betrothed,  and  these  two  are  my  friends. 

PRINCESS— (^^m?/«///^.)     Men  !  and  Alton  men  at  that !     Ring  the  bell ! 
Fire  the  alarm  guns,  and  have  the  Army  of  Amazons  take  them  to  the  most 
secret  cells  and  annihilate  them. 


A  PAROD  Y  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

{Loud  turmoil  J  enter  all  the  girls  running  frigJitened.  They  catch  sight  of 
the  three  Alton  men,  and  immediately  fall  prostrate  at  their  feet  and  regard  the?n 
with  languishing  eyes.) 

^I^RINCESS — Summon  my  henchmen  !  {They  come.)  Seize  and  bind  them. 
•^  {They  do  it.)  And  now,  adventurous  men,  much  as  I  admire  your  shape 
and  venerate  the  line  you  represent,  you  must  die  {^vith  emotion).  My  principles 
must  be  observed.  So  take  them  off.  {Loud  noise  heard  outside ;  enter  girls 
ru lining  7vith  fright}^ 

Olll  ELISSA — Princess  !     There  is  an  armed  force  at  the  gates  of  the  castle, 
-■  *  *"     just  arrived  by  the  St.  Louis  express  and  headed  by  King  Hilderbrandt. 
They  demand  admittance. 
RINCESS— Refuse  it. 


P 


^T  LL — Too  late.     {A  loud  crash  is  heard ;  enter  King  Hilderbrandt  with' his 
**'     army  of  Chicago  and  Alton  conductors,  armed  to  the  teeth.     In  the  centre 
they  drag  Arac,  Guron  and  Cynthius,  chained  together?) 
I L D. — (  Coming  down. ) 


B' 


P 


R 


Some  years  ago. 
No  doubt  you  know 
(And  if  you  don't  I  '11  tell  you  so). 
You  gave  your  troth 
Upon  your  oath 
To  Hilarion  my  son. 
A  vow  you  make 
You  must  not  break 
(If  you  think  you  may,  it's  a  great  mistake), 
For  a  bride's  a  bride, 
■  Though  the  knot  were  tied 
At  the  early  age  of  one  ! 

And  I'm  a  peppery  kind  of  king. 
Who's  indisposed  for  parleying 
To  suit  the  wit  of  a  bit  of  a  chit. 
And  that's  the  long  and  the  short  of  it ! 

RINCESS — {Lrresolutcly — the  girls  7neanwhilc  look  tuith  loving  eyes  at  the  con- 
ductors.)    I  still  refuse  ! 

(Arac,  Guron  and  Synthius  come  down.) 


RAC- 


We  may  remark,  though  nothing  can 

Dismay  us. 
That  if  you  thwart  this  gentleman 

He'll  slay  us. 


ITS  RESULT. 


HILARION  I  SURRENDER. 


r^  URON- 


(together.) 
OYNTHIUS- 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

We  don't  fear  death,  of  course,  were  thoiiglit 

To  shame  it. 
But  still,  upon  the  whole,  we  thought 

We'd  name  it. 


Yes  !  yes  !     Better  perhaps  to 
Name  it. 


This  gentleman  controls  a  Line — 

A  stunner. 
With  splendid  bed  and  track  as  fine — 

A  hummer. 
We  hate  his  line,  but  still  we  must 

Propound  it. 
The  Alton  is  a  line  to  trust — 

Confound  it. 

Yes  !  yes  !     In  spite  of  that,  confound  it 


We  wish  its  trade  was  light  and  slack — 

It  isn't. 
Its  service  bad,  with  moldy  track — 

It  isn't. 
But  give  to  Caesar  what  is  due, 

Yes,  rend  it. 
We  really  must,  and  strongly  too, 

Commend  it. 
(together.) 

Yes  !  yes  !  yes  !     Darn  their  eyes, 

Commend  it. 

The  Alton  is  a  road,  as  such 

None  beat  it. 
St.  Louis  is  a  point  they  touch, 

.  Repeat  it. 
And  if  you  doubt  they'll  get  you  there 

You'll  rue  it. 
For  when  they  say  they'll  get  you  there, 
They'll  do  it. 
(together.) 

Yes  !  yes  !  yes  !     Devil  doubt 
They'll  do  it. 
RINCESS— I  still  refuse  ! 


P 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

iJ^SYCHE— Madame  !  your  father  claims  an  audience  ;  he  has  just  followed 

*  King  Hilderbrandt  on  the  Denver  Express. 
C)RINCESS— Admit  him.     (^///^r  Gama.) 

/Tj  AM  A— Free  as  a  tethered  ass.     I  dare  not  keep  this  up.     I  dare  not  face 

^^     the  malignity  of  this  devil,  Hilderbrandt. 

IJ^RINCESS — He  has  treated  you  well,  father.     Even  a  wretched  man,  when 

*  he  belongs  to  the  Alton  Line,  is  always  a  gentleman. 

/Tl  AMA— Yes  !  yes  !     But  he  has  made  my  life  a  curse.     Think  of  it,  I  had 
^^     nothing  whatever  to  grumble  at. 

[song.] 

The  more  I  try 

I  can't  deny, 
Altho'  I'm  very  spiteful, 

I'm  bound  to  say 

The  livelong  day, 
The  Alton  is  delightful. 

Now,  when  a  man 

Does  all  he  can, 
A  rival  line  despising, 

And  in  reply 

They  fete  him — why 
It's  hard,  there's  no  disguising. 

Oh  !     don't  the  day  seem  blank  and  long, 
When  all  goes  right  and  nothing  goes  wrong. 
And  isn't  your  life  extremely  flat 
With  nothing  whatever  to  grumble  at  ? 

When  in  a  car 

Above  the  par, 
Officials  are  quite  pleasing. 

And  when  a  line 

You  hate  is  fine, 
It's  surely  very  teasing. 

They  treat  me  well, 

Ah  !  what  a  sell, 
I  thought  they'd  be  ungracious. 

But  not  a  bit — 

They  strained  their  wit 
To  make  my  thoughts  fallacious. 

Oh  !  don't  the  day  seem  blank  and  long, 

When  all  goes  right  and  nothing  goes  wrong,  etc.,  etc. 


AN  IMPROMII 


V  WEDDING. 


THIS  TRAIN  FOK 
(HlC/\€)0  . 


■^  _ 

■ — 

- 

HILARION  WELCOMES  IDA  TO  THE  ALTON  LINE. 


p 


A  PAROD  V  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

The  Alton  whirls 

The  pretty  girls 
From  eyes  that  are  repining. 

And  takes  the  best 

Of  travel  West 
In  cars  with  chairs  reclining. 

A  dining-car 

Without  a  jar, 
And  coaches  really  tasteful. 

A  splendid  track 

Both  there  and  back, 
Now  isn't  that  disgraceful? 

Oh  !  don't  the  day  seem  blank  and  long,  etc.,  etc. 

When  off  to  bed 

They  gently  led 
Me  to  a  couch  bewitching, 

I  prayed  they  might, 

At  least,  that  night. 
The  holy  train  be  ditching. 

But  fate  was  there, 

We  sped  like  air, 
And  nothing  happened  tragic. 

And  then  I  wept, 

And  then  I  slept, 
And  dreamt  the  line  was  magic. 

Oh  !  don't  the  day,  etc.,  etc. 

When  morning  came, 

'Twas  just  the  same, 
There  was  my  porter  grinning  ; 

I  called  him  Sam, 

And  muttered  Dam, 
He  really  looked  so  winning  ; 

I  looked  around, 

And  there  1  found 
A  car  of  pleasant  faces  ; 

It  seemed  their  bent 

To  be  content. 
In  spite  of  my  grimaces. 

Oh  !   don't  the  day,  etc.,  etc. 
RINCESS — Poor  father  !  how  you  must  have  suffered. 


A  PARODY  ON  PRINCESS  IDA. 

GAM  A — Yes,  my  child,  and  the  only  thing  to  do  is  to  surrender.      We  must 
capitulate.     I  have  often  heard  that  opposition  to  the  Alton  line  is  futile, 
and  now  I  know  it. 

{Enter  Hilarion. ) 

I^RINCESS — Hilarion,   I  surrender.     My  heart  was  with  you  long  ago,  but 
*        my  principles  forbade  it.     Take  me. 

^5  ILDERBRANDT — Then  we  will  have  an  impromptu  wedding.    Everybody 
^^     who  wants  to  marry  everybody  else  can  do  so.    (  The  remark  is  a  signal  for 

every  girl  in  the  party  to  throw  her  arms  around  the  neek  of  the  nearest  eonduetor.) 

6AMA — And  take  my  advice,  make  your  wedding  trip  over  the  Chicago  and 
Alton  Line. 
LL— We  will. 


K 


6AMA — Hereafter,  consider  Castle   Adamant  yours.     You   may  make  it  a 
coupon  station,  if  you  please,  and  advertise  it  as  a  pleasure  resort. 

{The  organ  is  heard ;  a  procession  for?ned,  and  the  entire  party  indulge  in  an 
impromptu  tuedding,  after  which  the  Chicago  and  Alton  train  for  Chicago  is  boarded, 
and  everybody  starts  upon  a  trip,  ivhich  catmot  but  bring  them  happiness?) 

Moral. 

An  ofificial  of  the  Alton  Road  is  irresistible. 


RETURN  TO  CHICAGO. 


THE  RECEPTION. 


T\ 


(^ 


CHfLDKENINTrtF 

ROAD  THEY  SHOULD 
fOLLOVy, 

SXDAL.  CHART 
VERSE, 1^. 


CHICAGO  $(  ALTON  RAILROAD. 


OF  «I»T  OU»H.  I 


TWENTY  YEARS'  LATER. 


Chicago  &  Alton  R.  R. 

N0  CHANGE  0F  GARS  0F  ANY  GLASS 


Chicago 


Chicago 


Kansas  City.    St.   Louis.    Kansas  City 

Union  Depots  in  Chicago,  East  St.  Louis,  St.  Louis  and  Kansas  City. 


St.  Louis 


NO    OTHER    LINE    RUNS 

Between  CHICAGO  and  KANS.AS  CITY,  CniCAGO  and  ST.  LOUIS,  and  ST.  LOUIS  and  KANSAS  CITY. 
Meals  equal  to  those  serred  in  any  flrst-class  hotel,  onjy  75  cents. 


The  only  Line  running  a  sufficient  numher  of  Elegant  and  Comfortahle 

PALACE    RECLINING   CHAIR   CARS 

;  Free  of  Extra  Charge,  in  all  its  Through  Trains,  Day  and  Night,  Without  Change,  to  accommodate 
..i_^  all  its  patrons. 


Pullman   Palace'  Sleeping  Cars  and   Pullman   Palace  Buffet  Sleeping  Cars 

THE  FINEST,  BEST  AND  SAFEST  IN  USE  ANYWHERE. 

The  BEST  and  QUICKEST  ROUTE  from  CHICAGO  to  and  from  MEMPHIS,  MOBILE,  NE'W 
ORLEANS,  and  all  Points  South  via  St.  Louis. 


THE  SHORT  LINE  TO  AND  FROM 

Missouri,     Arkansas,    Texas,     Kansas,     Colorado,   New  Mexico,   Mexico, 
Arizona,    Nebraska,    California,    Oregon,    Washington  Territory,    Etc. 

THE  GREAT  EXCURSION  ROUTE  BETWEEN  THE  NORTH  AND  SOUTH 

AND   TO   AND   FROM 

Kansas  Lands,  and  Colorado,  New  Mexico  and  California  Health  and  Pleasure  Resorts 
and  the  Mining  Districts  of  the  Great  West, 


For  Tickets  and  information  apply  at  any  Coupon  Ticket  Office  in  the  United  States  and  Canada,  or  to 
JAMES  CHARLTON,  General  Passenger  and  Ticket  Agent, 

210  Dearborn  Street,  near  corner  Adams  Street,  Chicago. 
J.  C.  McMUZZiy,  Vice-President,  Chicago.  C.  H.  CBAPPELIj,  General  Manager,  Chicago. 


^-^'  /  NoChaiigeofCarsofanyCrassS^^^^^ 

-  /         \       m         m  '  ^"^"^  I  AND  ■  '  ^3,_^vi« 

5r^"7A^wo  Trains  a  Day  Each  Way  Between  i  St.  Louisa  Kansas  City.  y^S^0\ 


,y'^i^<:'wr^^:^/c^i^^SimrbfS^^ 


Tdlono     / 


7*    Ottawa /Zl/    ^V^/el«'f,7/V''-^'"''J^^TX  C-Jt^"'!!!'^    « n  vN^^^-'^-ySi^i^r^'i^^Mr ^^^^^ 


Za\Cijgne  /Windsor 

3urlingtop  /=•  JpEljasanton  ^^^'^„ 


^^ 


J>efianc.    \        /  lola        I  ^1'^^-^^  S^ell  Cify 

Chanut^/?  /^l-to^t  Scott  znan3,JSrcWa71y  Ji  Co.,i:ngr;.Ch 


»6'«>>^  Cuba 


JioTla. 


R  .-) 


'ercyX    "Qu 


Chicago  &  Alton  R.R. 


rAe  Pioneer  Palace  Reclining  Chair  Gar  Route. 

The  Pioneer  Palace  Dining  Car  Route. 
The  Pioneer  Pullman  Palace  Sleeping  Car  Route. 


Two  Trains  Daily,  Sundays  Included, 

Between  Chicago  and  Kansas  City  and 

Between  St.  Louis  and  Kansas  City. 


LIGHTNING  NIGHT  EXPRESS  DAILY,  SUNDAYS  INCLUDED. 

NIGHT  EXPRESS  DAILY,  SUNDAYS  INCLUDED. 

DAY  EXPRESS  DAILY,  Sundays  Excepted,  between 
OmCJLOO  ^UNj-z)  ST.  HiOTJIS 


D8^7 


■OO        \y\iil 


■^*'^s"''s''.^' f':0 


